Our culture’s media often leans heavily toward “happily ever after” and redemption narratives. On a high note, these stories make us feel good and offer hopeful outcomes as we navigate the challenges of life. But they may also evoke feelings of shame, isolation and disappointment when our own path looks less triumphant and the summit is always out of reach. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic.
Such a compelling thought. I remember my first times as a teen seeing French, Swedish and Italian films. I felt jarred and even a bit deceived when the story arcs weren’t wrapped up at the end in happy Hollywood bows. The Europeans demanded more reflection. I didn’t like it. I wanted my dopamine kick! After decades of living, Hollywood endings seem rote and simplistic. I admire complexity, subtlety and messiness. But I never considered till now that happy endings send messages of shame. 😔
Well said - and you're right, that "happy ending" dopamine kick is missed when it's what we're conditioned to experience, but so short-lived. It would seem European cinema understands the long-term rewards born from reflection and conversation.
My answer: both and this because your quote is so on point: The fear of grief tales strikes me as a weakness as if we, especially in Western culture don't seem able to discuss the power, the importance of grief and of being there for those who are lost, have lost someone, need us more than ever.
For every Everest climber, there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of us at base camp, building community, supporting one another and finding that the bottom of the mountain can be just as beautiful. xo
Perhaps our Judeo/Christian world is more attached to “becoming” than simply “being”? Maybe we need a basic overhaul of our roots? I feel spiritually motivated people eventually bump into this and seek deeper more liberated meanings where paradoxical forces can REVEAL DEEPER TRUTHS. Like gratitude for simply being alive to experience the wonder of it all...both suffering AND liberation.
Circling back to what Jody shared about how Hollywood arcs deliver a nice shot of dopamine, perhaps attachment to "becoming" is also a version of this. I think you're right, those deeper truths are hard earned through reflection, time and a willingness to open to the full spectrum of experiences.
I've always wondered when fairytales ended with "and they lived happily ever after..." what does that mean? To me this sounded like the beginning of a new story never told.
Through my work (kickstarted by confrontation with trauma) I have learned to love suffering. Not in a morbid or masochistic way, but in the sense of Wholehearted Acceptance. Which miraculously has very healing effects!
I recently read in a book called 'Beautiful Trauma' the suggestion that we shouldn't talk about post-traumatic growth, with the argument that this could evoke a sense of inferiority in 'trauma-survivors' who don't have that experience. Your suggestion "may also evoke feelings of shame" etc. reminds me of that right now. It also reminds me of what you wrote in an earlier chapter in reference to feeling shame or guilt about one's own privilege (I can't remember the exact words) but it's something I've grown up with too...
I don't think in real life there is such a thing as 'happily ever after'. For me the best way forward is always to become more authentic, with our suffering and our triumphs. The problem is perhaps not 'dizzy happiness' vs. 'unresolvable suffering' but an integration of both, living side by side in our confused human world.
Yes!!!! This reminds me of a reflection from one of the unfixed participants (living with complex CPST and also trigeminal neuralgia) who shared that she "hopes to suffer well" and "doesn't need to be healed of her disease anymore in order for her heart to be healed."
I connect with your philosophy on so many levels and feel a need to explore more. Maybe you've seen that I've begun an interview series... would you ever be open to sharing an informal conversation?
I agree, this is a huge unexplored field of knowledge. We're only at the beginning, and we all need to explore so much more!
Of course I would be open to such a conversation (perhaps a little further down the road, when my book 'Synchronosophy' ~ which contains my own 'map of Consciousness' + suggestions of how to learn to 'embrace suffering' ~ is a little more fully developed in its current substack version)
In a nutshell ~ my approach is to learn to listen to our own suffering as if it was a child, and then accompanying this 'inner child' supporting its needs, as it 'grows up'. From my limited but encouraging experience so far, I believe a lot of improvement is possible, especially when we detach from the goal of 'perfect health'.
So far I mainly have experience working with emotional suffering + occasional relatively minor physical conditions (otitis media, frozen shoulder, tonsillitis, that kind of thing)
'Suffering well' with trigeminal neuralgia is extremely hard, I imagine! (of course not separate from the CPST) She sounds like a very wise woman.
Wow. I'm deeply invested in your work and I've only just begun to learn about it. I can say, personally, holding the suffering as an "inner child" is the ONLY way I've been able to bring my own neurological symptoms down. An ounce of wishing her away (if we're going with the inner child metaphor) she just feels abandoned, my brain registers that something isn't safe, and symptoms persist and even elevate. I know in my very cells that you're on to something and that detaching from ideas of how it should look and feel is such a necessary part of that holding/allowing/healing. As you continue to write your book and explore Synchronosophy, I'd be happy to share a conversation to explore the "physical suffering" version of this, for your own research or inquiry. Either way, I'm tickled that we crossed paths over here to explore SynchronUnfixedosophy. :)
It is so moving and amazing for me too that our paths have crossed... It has been a long struggle for me to find the right way to 'bring Synchronosophy to the world'. Our conversations will always be a gift both ways!
Not sure if this is a "redemption" narrative as you mean, but we watched a German movie called "Paradise" the other night on Netflix and it had a very similar theme as "In Time" with Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried - in the future, the length of your life can be manipulated, and of course, this becomes a commodity to be exploited by the super rich. The "hero" of Paradise starts as a slick and soulless time salesman harvesting poor people's time to - well, I'll say no more, because it's a bit slow but even better than the American version. Anyway, me and the huz argued about whether he was redeemed or whether it was selfish to reap the benefits as long as it was working for you and only see the light after it isn't. I said there is such a thing as contrition and remorse (forgiveness too, which the world seems to have a shortage of.) Anyway - "Paradise" - worth a look, more complex and nuanced than "In Time" IMHO. xo
Queuing Paradise up now! I haven’t seen In Time either, but the idea of commodifying and manipulating our personal timelines sounds like just my flavor of batshit thrill. Love dystopian stories that leave us feeling uneasy as we look in the mirror. I’ll report back after viewing.
This is an interesting topic. I am happy for others when I hear that things have worked out well for them. In fact I find it encouraging that that can happen to anybody at any time especially when least expected. On the flip side I have to admit I do appreciate reading people's stories that things don't work out because it makes me feel better about the things that don't work out for me--I don't feel so alone. I guess I'm somewhere in the middle!
I like this response. I think it's where I land as well. I can't fully abandon the "feel good" stories as it offers a little inspiration, especially when we're bombarded with global hardship in the news everyday. But striking a balance is key so that our children (and subsequent adults!) understand that life is more often than not, a lot more complicated. ;)
Hmmm, good questions! It feels like Q3 (Why our culture doesn't like triumph and suffering to coexist) has something to do with the cash-generation formulas discovered by Hollywood, and something also to do with capital and speed. It's more efficient in workplaces to think of work as "progress," to cheer little triumphs of accomplishment and discovery, and to try to manage suffering out of sight. If good and bad are mixed together in labor, what's the point in working as hard as most people do?
What a profound insight Tara. Efficiency seems to be the key word here and suffering in all its forms is the furthest from efficient. Perhaps its "efficient" in the sense that suffering cuts through all the BS of life and forces us to face what really matters, but definitely not efficient in the eyes of capitalism.
Such a compelling thought. I remember my first times as a teen seeing French, Swedish and Italian films. I felt jarred and even a bit deceived when the story arcs weren’t wrapped up at the end in happy Hollywood bows. The Europeans demanded more reflection. I didn’t like it. I wanted my dopamine kick! After decades of living, Hollywood endings seem rote and simplistic. I admire complexity, subtlety and messiness. But I never considered till now that happy endings send messages of shame. 😔
Well said - and you're right, that "happy ending" dopamine kick is missed when it's what we're conditioned to experience, but so short-lived. It would seem European cinema understands the long-term rewards born from reflection and conversation.
My answer: both and this because your quote is so on point: The fear of grief tales strikes me as a weakness as if we, especially in Western culture don't seem able to discuss the power, the importance of grief and of being there for those who are lost, have lost someone, need us more than ever.
For every Everest climber, there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of us at base camp, building community, supporting one another and finding that the bottom of the mountain can be just as beautiful. xo
Perhaps our Judeo/Christian world is more attached to “becoming” than simply “being”? Maybe we need a basic overhaul of our roots? I feel spiritually motivated people eventually bump into this and seek deeper more liberated meanings where paradoxical forces can REVEAL DEEPER TRUTHS. Like gratitude for simply being alive to experience the wonder of it all...both suffering AND liberation.
Circling back to what Jody shared about how Hollywood arcs deliver a nice shot of dopamine, perhaps attachment to "becoming" is also a version of this. I think you're right, those deeper truths are hard earned through reflection, time and a willingness to open to the full spectrum of experiences.
I've always wondered when fairytales ended with "and they lived happily ever after..." what does that mean? To me this sounded like the beginning of a new story never told.
Through my work (kickstarted by confrontation with trauma) I have learned to love suffering. Not in a morbid or masochistic way, but in the sense of Wholehearted Acceptance. Which miraculously has very healing effects!
I recently read in a book called 'Beautiful Trauma' the suggestion that we shouldn't talk about post-traumatic growth, with the argument that this could evoke a sense of inferiority in 'trauma-survivors' who don't have that experience. Your suggestion "may also evoke feelings of shame" etc. reminds me of that right now. It also reminds me of what you wrote in an earlier chapter in reference to feeling shame or guilt about one's own privilege (I can't remember the exact words) but it's something I've grown up with too...
I don't think in real life there is such a thing as 'happily ever after'. For me the best way forward is always to become more authentic, with our suffering and our triumphs. The problem is perhaps not 'dizzy happiness' vs. 'unresolvable suffering' but an integration of both, living side by side in our confused human world.
Yes!!!! This reminds me of a reflection from one of the unfixed participants (living with complex CPST and also trigeminal neuralgia) who shared that she "hopes to suffer well" and "doesn't need to be healed of her disease anymore in order for her heart to be healed."
I connect with your philosophy on so many levels and feel a need to explore more. Maybe you've seen that I've begun an interview series... would you ever be open to sharing an informal conversation?
I agree, this is a huge unexplored field of knowledge. We're only at the beginning, and we all need to explore so much more!
Of course I would be open to such a conversation (perhaps a little further down the road, when my book 'Synchronosophy' ~ which contains my own 'map of Consciousness' + suggestions of how to learn to 'embrace suffering' ~ is a little more fully developed in its current substack version)
In a nutshell ~ my approach is to learn to listen to our own suffering as if it was a child, and then accompanying this 'inner child' supporting its needs, as it 'grows up'. From my limited but encouraging experience so far, I believe a lot of improvement is possible, especially when we detach from the goal of 'perfect health'.
So far I mainly have experience working with emotional suffering + occasional relatively minor physical conditions (otitis media, frozen shoulder, tonsillitis, that kind of thing)
'Suffering well' with trigeminal neuralgia is extremely hard, I imagine! (of course not separate from the CPST) She sounds like a very wise woman.
Wow. I'm deeply invested in your work and I've only just begun to learn about it. I can say, personally, holding the suffering as an "inner child" is the ONLY way I've been able to bring my own neurological symptoms down. An ounce of wishing her away (if we're going with the inner child metaphor) she just feels abandoned, my brain registers that something isn't safe, and symptoms persist and even elevate. I know in my very cells that you're on to something and that detaching from ideas of how it should look and feel is such a necessary part of that holding/allowing/healing. As you continue to write your book and explore Synchronosophy, I'd be happy to share a conversation to explore the "physical suffering" version of this, for your own research or inquiry. Either way, I'm tickled that we crossed paths over here to explore SynchronUnfixedosophy. :)
It is so moving and amazing for me too that our paths have crossed... It has been a long struggle for me to find the right way to 'bring Synchronosophy to the world'. Our conversations will always be a gift both ways!
Not sure if this is a "redemption" narrative as you mean, but we watched a German movie called "Paradise" the other night on Netflix and it had a very similar theme as "In Time" with Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried - in the future, the length of your life can be manipulated, and of course, this becomes a commodity to be exploited by the super rich. The "hero" of Paradise starts as a slick and soulless time salesman harvesting poor people's time to - well, I'll say no more, because it's a bit slow but even better than the American version. Anyway, me and the huz argued about whether he was redeemed or whether it was selfish to reap the benefits as long as it was working for you and only see the light after it isn't. I said there is such a thing as contrition and remorse (forgiveness too, which the world seems to have a shortage of.) Anyway - "Paradise" - worth a look, more complex and nuanced than "In Time" IMHO. xo
Queuing Paradise up now! I haven’t seen In Time either, but the idea of commodifying and manipulating our personal timelines sounds like just my flavor of batshit thrill. Love dystopian stories that leave us feeling uneasy as we look in the mirror. I’ll report back after viewing.
This is an interesting topic. I am happy for others when I hear that things have worked out well for them. In fact I find it encouraging that that can happen to anybody at any time especially when least expected. On the flip side I have to admit I do appreciate reading people's stories that things don't work out because it makes me feel better about the things that don't work out for me--I don't feel so alone. I guess I'm somewhere in the middle!
I like this response. I think it's where I land as well. I can't fully abandon the "feel good" stories as it offers a little inspiration, especially when we're bombarded with global hardship in the news everyday. But striking a balance is key so that our children (and subsequent adults!) understand that life is more often than not, a lot more complicated. ;)
Hmmm, good questions! It feels like Q3 (Why our culture doesn't like triumph and suffering to coexist) has something to do with the cash-generation formulas discovered by Hollywood, and something also to do with capital and speed. It's more efficient in workplaces to think of work as "progress," to cheer little triumphs of accomplishment and discovery, and to try to manage suffering out of sight. If good and bad are mixed together in labor, what's the point in working as hard as most people do?
What a profound insight Tara. Efficiency seems to be the key word here and suffering in all its forms is the furthest from efficient. Perhaps its "efficient" in the sense that suffering cuts through all the BS of life and forces us to face what really matters, but definitely not efficient in the eyes of capitalism.
Yes! Good point! 🎯👍🏼