Would you give up everything you’ve learned from illness* in order to be cured**?
*insert your flavor of adversity—death of a loved one, divorce, trauma, accidents, disability
**have that loved one back, be free from trauma, its memories, aftermath and consequences
It's a high-stakes choice with as many answers as lived experiences—the yes's, the no's, the maybe's and the ask-me-again-tomorrow’s. When I posed this question to the documentary subjects, some said, “I have so much life left. It wouldn't be hard to get those lessons back in another way.” Others expressed deep curiosity for their disease processes and how friction has made them more creative, empathic, and persevering humans.
One thing can't be disputed. Hardship can provide enormous opportunities for growth but many resources are needed for this to happen—community, shelter, love, access to a good care team, mental health services, to name a few. So depending on our circumstances and the day of the week, we may answer this question differently.
But for this wee, snapshot in time, what is your answer?
My answer is an unequivocal NO. Giving up all that I learned means I’d undoubtedly return to living life at the same breakneck pace that got me in this situation. Who’s to say it wouldn’t just happen again in the coming years if I just got back on the same intensity track?
I’m living life more gently now, more aware of the beauty of my surroundings, more present than I’ve ever been. I am stronger and more resilient than I ever knew I was in the “before times.”
Would I give up everything I've learned from epilepsy and experiencing thousands of seizures for a cure??? A qualified, yes. While epilepsy has taught me great deal about how our brains are uniquely electric and highly evolved for storytelling, threat simulation, and plasticity, I'm not sure it's not worth the trauma my children have had to endure in dealing with my seizures. They've had to watch their mom essentially "die" on repeat, and be unable to drive at times--a real obstacle as a single mom needing to take her kids to sports, lessons, dentist appointments, etc. So, I'd definitely trade my "enlightenment" for a more peaceful, less frightening childhood for them. If this makes me less noble, or less resilient-seeming, I think I'm probably ok with this :)