I have in my own life been baffled & humbled by how “acceptance” not only ushers in the possibility of deep peace within whatever circumstance we’re grappling with but also offers us a profound portal to GRACE. Surely a mystifying quality that can transport one to dimensions of meaning in my life circumstance that defy ALL personal qualities and offer instead an introduction to that which is divinely impersonal and, yes, even Transcendent. Perhaps that’s what each of us is here to experience and bring to conscious awareness…💜
I gave this a ‘like’. Substack , limiting my ability to quickly react with something other than words. I came back to write a few, as ‘like’ does nothing to define my feelings for your words. I don’t ‘like’ what you’ve been through. Not at all.
Whether you are locked in a state of limbo , or physically held hostage by your own body , you have shown us that seeking the path through has always been front and center. Even when it was unknown to you at the time. I see why your were unable to look away from the painting. The duality of dark, turbulent waters and the respite provided by its movement , becomes one and the same. Defining your journey forward. I grew up in Utica N.Y. Their museum contained a few famous pieces of art. I remember sitting in front of these particular pieces many times, as my mother worked as a guide when I was very young, and I ‘lived’ there with her during those hours. Massive, paintings of detailed grandeur. The artist, Thomas Cole ~ The Voyage of Life . Four paintings depicting birth to old age. Man traveling by boat through the complex timeline of his life. ( nga. gov The Voyage of Life).
As always, I adore your reflections Lor—even your "likes" land with the profundity you carry with them.
Your experiences in the Utica museum make me smile. I love imagining a child's days quieted and magnified by the massive presence of art. And that Thomas Cole series! I had to look them up... the innocence, the stormy turbulence of manhood, followed by the final release. So powerful.
Thank you Kimberly for taking the time , going out
of your way, ‘to have a look’ . It speaks to the sincerity you have for your readers. Each Thomas Cole painting ( 53”x76” each).The museum was also home to another massive painting by Jackson
Pollock (38”x189.5”).
Now you have a better visual of me, sitting on a bench, staring at the immensity of each canvas . At that age, the only effect the Pollock had on me was the desire to splatter paint on my own bedroom walls, though I never did.
This, this not bracing against the constant, inescapable threat, is Olympic level, black belt, ninja spirituality. I know that so much of the suffering is in the fight itself, I know it, but still, I fight. That you’ve been able to have the dizziness be your teacher speaks a serious depth of wisdom in you. You inspire me. You inspire me to lay down and sleep 💜
How did I not see this comment?! Oh my. “Olympic level black belt ninja spirituality.” Can I put this on my resume?! 😂 Let’s just say, it’s a daily, moment-to-moment practice; one of the blessings of unremitting symptoms is that I’ve been forced into this practice. First, with so much kicking and screaming.
This is my favorite chapter yet. Strangely I find myself unable to figure out exactly why that is. I can say that having been in a similar place, you express it with such poetic yet coherent articulation. And I know that doesn’t come easily.
Haha, well said Eric. I certainly had to live it for years before any sort of cognitive understanding could arise from my cells. I think there's something especially puzzling to our minds when the very thing that we fear becomes our doorway into peace. Talk about a mind bend! I love that you can't "figure out" why this one hit you the way it did. Maybe it should stay that way—hold the feeling in your body and let it have its own cellular pace of understanding. ;)
And between us, I'm at a point in my life, an unforeseen bend in the path, where I will use these words as guide. Or maybe already am. Yet another reason I'm deeply grateful we've connected.
“I want to learn, I need to learn, to live with an unconditional peace despite the circumstances of my body, my life.”
The places we find peace are so rarely those we expect, but once they’re hooked to the bewilderment of the debilitating effects of the enigma they act as an anchor…
Such a wild paradox of life, isn't it? Maybe its something about that "bewilderment" you speak of—like a necessary beheading so we can fall down and feel the soft resilience of our existence, like tender spring shoots, instead of the forceful demands of our ego. ;)
“like a necessary beheading so we can fall down and feel the soft resilience of our existence, like tender spring shoots” beautifully said and yes… exactly that..! X
So aching and true, thank you for sharing how you found your way when your very experience in the world changed so radically without explanation. Steve Terrell, who I trained with, says "what we resist, grows," and it reminds me of what you discovered. This is what drew me to your writing and essay. A long time Buddhist, I didn't truly understand how to "be with" until my mind/body shifted so quickly and there were no fixes available.
So true Rain... suffering with no fix certainly seems like the most direct pathway to letting go. When the ego is endlessly caught in a finger trap of its own making, something else can finally step in and offer another way, another release.
Kimberly, I’m dropping into your comments because I love this post but sadly I am not familiar with your story. I saw it shared on Notes and the title is one of my anchors so I wanted to read it, therefore I’m starting your story from here (for now).
I love that you shared about the picture of the boat and the idea of finding the peace in the storm, thank you! It’s amazing that it seems like you started to find inner peace regardless of what was going on and it’s an excellent reminder that we can access that expansiveness if we try (by try I mean work very hard on it!)
So happy to meet you here Donna. It's a powerful phrase and certainly is a tool for me even to this day. You entered into my memoir about 10 months into sharing with only a few chapters left! So if you're ever inspired to go back to the beginning, you can start here. xo https://unfixed.substack.com/p/preface
it occurs to me now after letting these words wash over with such poignancy i had only started reading this story in the middle when i stumbled cross the newsletter few months ago
it compels to go back to the start and eventually i will thanks for this Kimberly
I love that you're here Appleton, for whatever leg of the journey you choose to be on. Your compulsion to go back to the beginning may bring the current revelations into even more poignancy—the lifetime of untangling we all must do in order to finally let go!
The part where you mentioned how each specialist said it was a different cause, resonated with me so much. When I was struggling with my back injury I had a similar experience — the surgeon said surgery would fix it, the physio said exercises, my acupuncturist said acupuncture, my therapist said CBT, my doctor offered pain pills. That was one of the most frustrating parts about all of it — everyone’s suggestions were just shaped by their specialty.
I have in my own life been baffled & humbled by how “acceptance” not only ushers in the possibility of deep peace within whatever circumstance we’re grappling with but also offers us a profound portal to GRACE. Surely a mystifying quality that can transport one to dimensions of meaning in my life circumstance that defy ALL personal qualities and offer instead an introduction to that which is divinely impersonal and, yes, even Transcendent. Perhaps that’s what each of us is here to experience and bring to conscious awareness…💜
... makes me wonder is actually more a function of the heart than the mind. The heart being much more capable of holding paradox. xo
I experience grace and conscious awareness both as qualities of an awakened heart. 💕
I gave this a ‘like’. Substack , limiting my ability to quickly react with something other than words. I came back to write a few, as ‘like’ does nothing to define my feelings for your words. I don’t ‘like’ what you’ve been through. Not at all.
Whether you are locked in a state of limbo , or physically held hostage by your own body , you have shown us that seeking the path through has always been front and center. Even when it was unknown to you at the time. I see why your were unable to look away from the painting. The duality of dark, turbulent waters and the respite provided by its movement , becomes one and the same. Defining your journey forward. I grew up in Utica N.Y. Their museum contained a few famous pieces of art. I remember sitting in front of these particular pieces many times, as my mother worked as a guide when I was very young, and I ‘lived’ there with her during those hours. Massive, paintings of detailed grandeur. The artist, Thomas Cole ~ The Voyage of Life . Four paintings depicting birth to old age. Man traveling by boat through the complex timeline of his life. ( nga. gov The Voyage of Life).
May you always journey in calm waters ahead.
As always, I adore your reflections Lor—even your "likes" land with the profundity you carry with them.
Your experiences in the Utica museum make me smile. I love imagining a child's days quieted and magnified by the massive presence of art. And that Thomas Cole series! I had to look them up... the innocence, the stormy turbulence of manhood, followed by the final release. So powerful.
xo
Thank you Kimberly for taking the time , going out
of your way, ‘to have a look’ . It speaks to the sincerity you have for your readers. Each Thomas Cole painting ( 53”x76” each).The museum was also home to another massive painting by Jackson
Pollock (38”x189.5”).
Now you have a better visual of me, sitting on a bench, staring at the immensity of each canvas . At that age, the only effect the Pollock had on me was the desire to splatter paint on my own bedroom walls, though I never did.
😂😂😂 I’m confident Pollack has had that effect on children and adults alike!
This comment is perfect, Lor.
Thank you Nathan.
This, this not bracing against the constant, inescapable threat, is Olympic level, black belt, ninja spirituality. I know that so much of the suffering is in the fight itself, I know it, but still, I fight. That you’ve been able to have the dizziness be your teacher speaks a serious depth of wisdom in you. You inspire me. You inspire me to lay down and sleep 💜
How did I not see this comment?! Oh my. “Olympic level black belt ninja spirituality.” Can I put this on my resume?! 😂 Let’s just say, it’s a daily, moment-to-moment practice; one of the blessings of unremitting symptoms is that I’ve been forced into this practice. First, with so much kicking and screaming.
Yes, yes you can, and you absolutely should, it’s well earned!
This is my favorite chapter yet. Strangely I find myself unable to figure out exactly why that is. I can say that having been in a similar place, you express it with such poetic yet coherent articulation. And I know that doesn’t come easily.
Haha, well said Eric. I certainly had to live it for years before any sort of cognitive understanding could arise from my cells. I think there's something especially puzzling to our minds when the very thing that we fear becomes our doorway into peace. Talk about a mind bend! I love that you can't "figure out" why this one hit you the way it did. Maybe it should stay that way—hold the feeling in your body and let it have its own cellular pace of understanding. ;)
Matches the chapter title, that’s for sure 😝
You are an unsinkable ship, Kimberly. Every piece breathes strength.
🙏❤️
“until the incomprehensible becomes imaginable, and the possibility that frightens me most becomes my very doorway into peace”
This is one of those passages that will stick with me far into the future.
I can’t wait to see what will come next.
You picked out the sentence that most summarizes my entire memoir, maybe even my entire life! ❤️
I don't think there could be a truer summary.
And between us, I'm at a point in my life, an unforeseen bend in the path, where I will use these words as guide. Or maybe already am. Yet another reason I'm deeply grateful we've connected.
All I want to do is reach out and give you hug.
I don't want this to be over AND I'm so excited for what is to come with your writing. What a wonderful, auspicious time for you and for us!
Thank you for believing in me Jenovia. This means more than you'll ever know.
“I want to learn, I need to learn, to live with an unconditional peace despite the circumstances of my body, my life.”
The places we find peace are so rarely those we expect, but once they’re hooked to the bewilderment of the debilitating effects of the enigma they act as an anchor…
Kimberly I am so relieved you found yours… xx
Such a wild paradox of life, isn't it? Maybe its something about that "bewilderment" you speak of—like a necessary beheading so we can fall down and feel the soft resilience of our existence, like tender spring shoots, instead of the forceful demands of our ego. ;)
“like a necessary beheading so we can fall down and feel the soft resilience of our existence, like tender spring shoots” beautifully said and yes… exactly that..! X
So aching and true, thank you for sharing how you found your way when your very experience in the world changed so radically without explanation. Steve Terrell, who I trained with, says "what we resist, grows," and it reminds me of what you discovered. This is what drew me to your writing and essay. A long time Buddhist, I didn't truly understand how to "be with" until my mind/body shifted so quickly and there were no fixes available.
So true Rain... suffering with no fix certainly seems like the most direct pathway to letting go. When the ego is endlessly caught in a finger trap of its own making, something else can finally step in and offer another way, another release.
Painfully gorgeous.
Thank you for this
Thank you for reading!
So beautifully written. All sorts of emotions... and tears... welled up as I read this. 😢❤
Oh Louisa, thank you for reading... and for showing up with such openness to feel the message.
Kimberly, I’m dropping into your comments because I love this post but sadly I am not familiar with your story. I saw it shared on Notes and the title is one of my anchors so I wanted to read it, therefore I’m starting your story from here (for now).
I love that you shared about the picture of the boat and the idea of finding the peace in the storm, thank you! It’s amazing that it seems like you started to find inner peace regardless of what was going on and it’s an excellent reminder that we can access that expansiveness if we try (by try I mean work very hard on it!)
So happy to meet you here Donna. It's a powerful phrase and certainly is a tool for me even to this day. You entered into my memoir about 10 months into sharing with only a few chapters left! So if you're ever inspired to go back to the beginning, you can start here. xo https://unfixed.substack.com/p/preface
Your courage Kim is remarkable 🩶🤍
🙏
it occurs to me now after letting these words wash over with such poignancy i had only started reading this story in the middle when i stumbled cross the newsletter few months ago
it compels to go back to the start and eventually i will thanks for this Kimberly
I love that you're here Appleton, for whatever leg of the journey you choose to be on. Your compulsion to go back to the beginning may bring the current revelations into even more poignancy—the lifetime of untangling we all must do in order to finally let go!
The part where you mentioned how each specialist said it was a different cause, resonated with me so much. When I was struggling with my back injury I had a similar experience — the surgeon said surgery would fix it, the physio said exercises, my acupuncturist said acupuncture, my therapist said CBT, my doctor offered pain pills. That was one of the most frustrating parts about all of it — everyone’s suggestions were just shaped by their specialty.
You captured this so well, Kimberly
My experience too. Hammers only see nails.
Exactly 🔨