fog could have no better defense in your own uniquely capable (and literate my god what words i learned) hands-- artistic questing and sensibility of this sort is a gift
don't ever let me "forget" to remind you of that 🤗🙏
Gosh Apple, you sure know how to make me smile. Thank you for your kind encouragement. I bumble my way through these but they always open my synapses up to new ways of seeing, thinking, breathing. :)
Thank you Dawn. I was a bit worried about how it might read or translate, but I’m glad it made some sort of “foggy” sense! I always appreciate your comments and presence here.
This was beautiful, Kimberly. I really enjoyed the different notions of fog you explored and how you celebrated them. And I loved how personal it got at the end about your Mum — truely moving words.
Also, these two sentences especially stuck out for me:
“But aging flirts with nothingness. Impermanence promises banishment.”
It’s such a fun exercise! Digging into a topic that I have an emotional connection to (good or bad) and then building a universe of celebration around it has turned into a very rewarding endeavor. Though I wasn’t certain about this one. I can’t stand brain fog, so it was especially challenging to convince myself it was worthy to defend!
I think that’s great. I mean, opening yourself up to a topic or idea you’re not particularly inclined to, has to be good for adopting a more nuanced view of things. :)
Gah! You make my knees weak Alisa! I sure do appreciate your feedback; I still have your agent pitch sitting on my desktop awaiting my attention. I very much would like to compile these essays into a collection someday and your nudges are wildly encouraging!
Gorgeous, my friend. I love thinking about fog sustaining massive trees—about how they (like us) know how to pull from the universe exactly what they (we) need to thrive, to drink its marrow.
And of course I love the French kissing orgy. Can’t wait for the next foggy day. (Heading back to Oregon soon, so shouldn’t have to wait too long😉.)
Isn’t that a crazy little fact? I had no idea the Redwoods attribute a lot of their grand vitality to wee little fog droplets! Hope to connect with you someday soon, and if we’re lucky, perhaps we can even share a hug through the fog.
Staring out into spaceless opaque fog with unfocused eyes, can be the ultimate drug of relaxation. In my life, I’ve headed into three major surgeries. I have always been thankful for the welcoming soft cloak of fog. I am sorry for your mom. If only we could choose when we walk in to it’s density, to come and go as we please. So many answers and questions you’ve given me to ponder. I will leave you with my favorite fog poem (as you know). In honor of Otis and Nova.
Fog~ Carl Sandburg ;
The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on.
Makes me think of the tiny prods we’ll feel in the middle of the night as Nova or Otis settle their bodies in next to ours. Then again, sometimes it’s less like fog and more like a thunderous tsunami. ;)
It’s fascinating to hear that you’ve always welcomed the “soft cloak of fog.” Never arresting to you? Perhaps when you know the fog will lift, it’s easier to surrender to it. My mom arrives tomorrow and we have a lovely weekend planned at the coast together. We’ll see if some of the hyperbaric chamber sessions and supplements she’s been trying have cleared out some of the heaviness. And if not, we’ll take long walks along the foggy beach and blur ourselves together. xo
Oh yes. When you are heading into scary surgeries with unknown scary outcomes, fog please, bring it on. And I’ll take a nice dreamy fog for the encore. No, thank goodness, I never noticed a negative effect. Unless I’ve been walking in fog for the last 35 years, though I think my husband would have told me. Or, if so, it has been a wonderful asset. Interesting to note the hyperbaric chamber, I’ve heard good things. Hope you notice a change.
I had not known that you live with a vestibular disorder. Thank you for the vulnerability you show in sharing this and the artistic way you explain it to us. I have great compassion and some understanding of what you might be dealing with.
While I am actively leaking cerebral spinal fluid, as I am now, the brain fog is intense. I’ll be talking along and the word for a common object is just not there. It’s like reaching for the salt where it always lives in the cupboard, and the shelf looks empty. Others can see it, to me it’s just gone.
Fascinating info also about your Mom and the cognitive decline following multiple times under anesthesia. Over 2023-2024, I’ve had multiple invasive tests which require anesthesia, and two spinal surgeries, and am now scheduled for two more of those tests and another surgical procedure of some sort at the end of Oct. This translates to 7 times being anesthetized in 1 1/2 years. I will pay attention to my response to it all now.
Sadly, spinal blocks are not always a good alternative. It was a botched spinal block, (where a new MD in fellowship attempted three times to achieve proper placement, an accidentally poked three holes in my dura) that began this 4+ year long CSF Leak condition that I’m trying to resolve. There are over 9000 members in a one line forum I belong to who are coping with this same condition, with a large percentage of them being there due to botched epidurals during childbirth. Choose your anesthesiologist carefully, and never allow a “bedside” spinal block nor epidural. Demand one using guided flouroscopic placement.
I love the picture of you and your Mom. The love is vibrant there.
Thank you for sharing some of your experience with the CRF leaks. My goodness, sounds like there’s a risk either way. And we all know opiates have their own risk too. One of the original Unfixed subjects struggled a lot with CFS leaks, it’s quite something, I believe hers were from Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and I think she’s had success with patches and ketamine sessions administered through the hospital?
These bodies are quite a ride, aren’t they? I write this today through a bobbing maelstrom, period hormones always tend to bring up the dizziness. Always a good lesson in surrender and loving my body through all her phases and colors.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a such a struggle with this, and that it could’ve been prevented with proper administration. A "fluoroscopic placement" sounds like the way to go. I'll share that with my mom. Sounds like you have quite a few procedures coming up, I hope you're in good hands and feel confident with the protocol. Maybe a little of my Face Fluf will also help with the superficial healing. ;) Hugs and deep gratitude for you Teyani. x
I’m enjoying the Face Fluf❣️ the scent is heavenly.
Yes, be sure to insist on guided epidurals or spinal nerve blocks. As well as “small gauge non cutting needles.” Your u can have her anesthesiologist go listen to Dr. Ian Carroll’s medical conference lectures about the risk of doing anything else.
So much anesthesia is surely something I will ask about too. Thanks for that info.
The bathroom drama! Ha. I think in my house growing up, a few times it was the basement drama. Love how each room has its own conflicts and action that expand the meaning.
KIMBERLY. This is MAGIC! Sorcery! A weaver of celestial light from the heavens straight into the deepest part of my being! This Sunday is about to be the best day ever since I’ve started it like this. What a ride!
I will never tell you enough how grateful I am that you exist and how lucky I feel to be able to experience the warm glow of your light. That picture of you and your mama is one of the most beautiful I have ever seen and I am so sorry she is experiencing post anesthesia brain fog. I didn’t even know of that risk factor with anesthesia. That’s terrifying.
There is something special about bathrooms. They were my angst place when I was young. The bathtub is where I would go to weep. I loved the solitude.
You gorgeous human, you. Sorcery?! Ha! That's a bit of new feedback that I will hold near to my heart. I know how much you cherish the inward pull of grey and darker seasons so it makes sense that this one spoke to your soul.
Yeh, the post-anesthesia stuff is really a bummer. I don't know how much of it is reversible either, though we're trying a bunch of things. The most frustrating part is that it's totally unnecessary! A spinal block or opiate would do the same for minor surgeries. I wish more people knew about this until it's too late.
Sending you a big, foggy hug on this unusually sunny day. Oh how I wish we could go for a long stroll down your beach and conjure grey together.
Your writing is so rich, enlightening, poetic, reflective and beautiful, as always. Just like fog, there is a confronting density in your thoughts that surrounds us, and it's wonderful to sit with it for a little while. Thank you.
"Confronting density." I love this expression! Fog is absolutely this and it's quite an honor to think that my words may also share a bit of that space. I appreciate you. I appreciate your thoughtful feedback. Enjoy the "sitting with." x
fog could have no better defense in your own uniquely capable (and literate my god what words i learned) hands-- artistic questing and sensibility of this sort is a gift
don't ever let me "forget" to remind you of that 🤗🙏
Gosh Apple, you sure know how to make me smile. Thank you for your kind encouragement. I bumble my way through these but they always open my synapses up to new ways of seeing, thinking, breathing. :)
i feel like im watching you do all the work in that vague bumbling that overwhelms me lately as i seek to do it for myself
Amazing what relaxing into the fog, letting go of any resistance to your experience, allowed you to access/create. Thank you, Kimberly.
Thank you Dawn. I was a bit worried about how it might read or translate, but I’m glad it made some sort of “foggy” sense! I always appreciate your comments and presence here.
This was beautiful, Kimberly. I really enjoyed the different notions of fog you explored and how you celebrated them. And I loved how personal it got at the end about your Mum — truely moving words.
Also, these two sentences especially stuck out for me:
“But aging flirts with nothingness. Impermanence promises banishment.”
:)
It’s such a fun exercise! Digging into a topic that I have an emotional connection to (good or bad) and then building a universe of celebration around it has turned into a very rewarding endeavor. Though I wasn’t certain about this one. I can’t stand brain fog, so it was especially challenging to convince myself it was worthy to defend!
I think that’s great. I mean, opening yourself up to a topic or idea you’re not particularly inclined to, has to be good for adopting a more nuanced view of things. :)
Kimberly, this is so gorgeous. The artistic, scientific, and personal 'questing' as noted below is masterful. This belongs in The Best American Essays (https://bestamericanessays.substack.com/p/nomination-guidelines) but *first* it should be published in https://granta.com/ It's THAT good!
Gah! You make my knees weak Alisa! I sure do appreciate your feedback; I still have your agent pitch sitting on my desktop awaiting my attention. I very much would like to compile these essays into a collection someday and your nudges are wildly encouraging!
…and I’m checking both of your links out now!
thank you for this.
You’re very welcome Heather. ;)
Gorgeous, my friend. I love thinking about fog sustaining massive trees—about how they (like us) know how to pull from the universe exactly what they (we) need to thrive, to drink its marrow.
And of course I love the French kissing orgy. Can’t wait for the next foggy day. (Heading back to Oregon soon, so shouldn’t have to wait too long😉.)
Isn’t that a crazy little fact? I had no idea the Redwoods attribute a lot of their grand vitality to wee little fog droplets! Hope to connect with you someday soon, and if we’re lucky, perhaps we can even share a hug through the fog.
Staring out into spaceless opaque fog with unfocused eyes, can be the ultimate drug of relaxation. In my life, I’ve headed into three major surgeries. I have always been thankful for the welcoming soft cloak of fog. I am sorry for your mom. If only we could choose when we walk in to it’s density, to come and go as we please. So many answers and questions you’ve given me to ponder. I will leave you with my favorite fog poem (as you know). In honor of Otis and Nova.
Fog~ Carl Sandburg ;
The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on.
Makes me think of the tiny prods we’ll feel in the middle of the night as Nova or Otis settle their bodies in next to ours. Then again, sometimes it’s less like fog and more like a thunderous tsunami. ;)
It’s fascinating to hear that you’ve always welcomed the “soft cloak of fog.” Never arresting to you? Perhaps when you know the fog will lift, it’s easier to surrender to it. My mom arrives tomorrow and we have a lovely weekend planned at the coast together. We’ll see if some of the hyperbaric chamber sessions and supplements she’s been trying have cleared out some of the heaviness. And if not, we’ll take long walks along the foggy beach and blur ourselves together. xo
Oh yes. When you are heading into scary surgeries with unknown scary outcomes, fog please, bring it on. And I’ll take a nice dreamy fog for the encore. No, thank goodness, I never noticed a negative effect. Unless I’ve been walking in fog for the last 35 years, though I think my husband would have told me. Or, if so, it has been a wonderful asset. Interesting to note the hyperbaric chamber, I’ve heard good things. Hope you notice a change.
Such a beautiful and deeply moving essay.
I had not known that you live with a vestibular disorder. Thank you for the vulnerability you show in sharing this and the artistic way you explain it to us. I have great compassion and some understanding of what you might be dealing with.
While I am actively leaking cerebral spinal fluid, as I am now, the brain fog is intense. I’ll be talking along and the word for a common object is just not there. It’s like reaching for the salt where it always lives in the cupboard, and the shelf looks empty. Others can see it, to me it’s just gone.
Fascinating info also about your Mom and the cognitive decline following multiple times under anesthesia. Over 2023-2024, I’ve had multiple invasive tests which require anesthesia, and two spinal surgeries, and am now scheduled for two more of those tests and another surgical procedure of some sort at the end of Oct. This translates to 7 times being anesthetized in 1 1/2 years. I will pay attention to my response to it all now.
Sadly, spinal blocks are not always a good alternative. It was a botched spinal block, (where a new MD in fellowship attempted three times to achieve proper placement, an accidentally poked three holes in my dura) that began this 4+ year long CSF Leak condition that I’m trying to resolve. There are over 9000 members in a one line forum I belong to who are coping with this same condition, with a large percentage of them being there due to botched epidurals during childbirth. Choose your anesthesiologist carefully, and never allow a “bedside” spinal block nor epidural. Demand one using guided flouroscopic placement.
I love the picture of you and your Mom. The love is vibrant there.
The love IS vibrant! So sweet of you to notice.
Thank you for sharing some of your experience with the CRF leaks. My goodness, sounds like there’s a risk either way. And we all know opiates have their own risk too. One of the original Unfixed subjects struggled a lot with CFS leaks, it’s quite something, I believe hers were from Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and I think she’s had success with patches and ketamine sessions administered through the hospital?
These bodies are quite a ride, aren’t they? I write this today through a bobbing maelstrom, period hormones always tend to bring up the dizziness. Always a good lesson in surrender and loving my body through all her phases and colors.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a such a struggle with this, and that it could’ve been prevented with proper administration. A "fluoroscopic placement" sounds like the way to go. I'll share that with my mom. Sounds like you have quite a few procedures coming up, I hope you're in good hands and feel confident with the protocol. Maybe a little of my Face Fluf will also help with the superficial healing. ;) Hugs and deep gratitude for you Teyani. x
I’m enjoying the Face Fluf❣️ the scent is heavenly.
Yes, be sure to insist on guided epidurals or spinal nerve blocks. As well as “small gauge non cutting needles.” Your u can have her anesthesiologist go listen to Dr. Ian Carroll’s medical conference lectures about the risk of doing anything else.
So much anesthesia is surely something I will ask about too. Thanks for that info.
The bathroom drama! Ha. I think in my house growing up, a few times it was the basement drama. Love how each room has its own conflicts and action that expand the meaning.
I would LOVE to hear you write a few snaps about your basement!
KIMBERLY. This is MAGIC! Sorcery! A weaver of celestial light from the heavens straight into the deepest part of my being! This Sunday is about to be the best day ever since I’ve started it like this. What a ride!
I will never tell you enough how grateful I am that you exist and how lucky I feel to be able to experience the warm glow of your light. That picture of you and your mama is one of the most beautiful I have ever seen and I am so sorry she is experiencing post anesthesia brain fog. I didn’t even know of that risk factor with anesthesia. That’s terrifying.
There is something special about bathrooms. They were my angst place when I was young. The bathtub is where I would go to weep. I loved the solitude.
You gorgeous human, you. Sorcery?! Ha! That's a bit of new feedback that I will hold near to my heart. I know how much you cherish the inward pull of grey and darker seasons so it makes sense that this one spoke to your soul.
Yeh, the post-anesthesia stuff is really a bummer. I don't know how much of it is reversible either, though we're trying a bunch of things. The most frustrating part is that it's totally unnecessary! A spinal block or opiate would do the same for minor surgeries. I wish more people knew about this until it's too late.
Sending you a big, foggy hug on this unusually sunny day. Oh how I wish we could go for a long stroll down your beach and conjure grey together.
Sending you and your mama all the healing energy. I wish we could take a beach walk too! We would have the time of our lives 🫂
Your writing is so rich, enlightening, poetic, reflective and beautiful, as always. Just like fog, there is a confronting density in your thoughts that surrounds us, and it's wonderful to sit with it for a little while. Thank you.
"Confronting density." I love this expression! Fog is absolutely this and it's quite an honor to think that my words may also share a bit of that space. I appreciate you. I appreciate your thoughtful feedback. Enjoy the "sitting with." x