Oh, Kimberly. You are so strong, no doubt about that, but maybe that is what your body is trying to tell you...to stop being so strong and fall apart. Surrender. Let it all go so you can put yourself together again with the truth woven into your life, body, and heart. When the vibration of our life changes, the original structure that we used before cannot hold. We must tend to ourselves in a way that recalibrates our inner vibration as well. Finding out the kind of earth shattering news you received about your life/family/father is exactly the kind of monumental shift that would require an entire tear down of inner and outer worlds. We've trained ourselves to be utterly terrified of falling apart and yes, many people do not have the luxury to fall apart at the exact moment they need but that debt always gets paid one way or another. We resist, we fight, we run. I've often fantasized about opening a bed and breakfast where people could feel safe falling apart. A place where they wouldn't even have to worry about eating or hydrating. They could stay, get cozy, and completely come apart until they were able to put themselves back together again the way they needed. A lot of us fall apart in sections. Even that is a privilege because sometimes our bodies don't allow us to call those shots.
It has been incredible to witness your story here and once again I am seething with anticipation. YAY SUNDAY!!!
Sending you the biggest bear hug and please ask Dave to give it to you from me, in person :)
Angel of wisdom and truth.... is that what Jenovia means? It must. You just perfectly diagnosed the cellular unraveling that had to happen in my body, but only in hindsight could I understand the necessity. I saw an unending line of doctors, therapists, even psychics when my nervous system crashed, and I'll tell you, not ONE, told me it was ok to unravel. And not just ok, but exactly the medicine my body/mind/soul needed. Now, eight years later I can confidently say that in finally surrendering to the chaos, I discovered unshakeable stillness—an irony I embody in my cells daily and am so grateful to know this truth. But you and that gorgeous mind/heart/soul of yours, to get this through reading my story and offering it up in the most perfectly crafted paragraph I might've ever read... I mean, you stun. If I had a gazillion dollars I'd be Venmo'ing funds to you right now to start that bed and breakfast TODAY. The world needs you, your mastery, your deeply feeling and knowing incarnation. By the way, have you ever read Pema Chodrin's When Things Fall Apart? It's a beauty, like you. (Though you could've written it.:) xoxoxoxo
I adore you! ❤️ Thank you for those beautiful compliments. I’m so happy you’re in the unshakable stillness part of your journey. I’ve never heard of Pema Chodrin. I googled her, she looks like she gives great hugs. 😍 Adding that book to my TBR list!
We have pondered about offering a similar sort of liminal space. We call it a halfway house. How good would it be to allow for surrender and know there is time, space and energy.....
I always find my body wanting to reach out to your body whenever I read these. Like it wants to offer one of the small areas of it's nervous system that is settled (thanks, Birds). I had a friend who I used to lay on top of. We never understood why, but we knew it helped.
I think you just identified a new form of medicine. I've heard of bee acupuncture, so perhaps when a songbird lands on a certain body part, her tiny, whispering feet calm the branching nerves under them. Imagine a body full of birds! (And now I hear our Oregon Maple laugh and say, "I don't have to.") ;)
Seriously, though! I remember a little Great Tit landing on my inner arm once, mid-Summer last year, and her little feet were so lovely and cold and she was chirping and my nervous system just zoomed into the most peaceful of states. I feel my jaw loosening as I recall it. A body full of birds...what a thought 💜
Seems to me you are suffering from ultra deep empathy....can it be you feel along so intensely your body mimics the experience of the other? Combined with a strong imagination it is a great recipe for inner turmoil in many miraculous forms....I think this is the same reason why your writing is so good. You get across what you feel yourself so deeply.... I learn so much with each of your posts....love, Bertus
Thank you Bertus, your reflection is so moving. I feel you empathizing with my empathy. :) It goes without saying, but it takes one to know one. I experience that strong imagination (and inner turmoil) in your writing as well—even though I'm "reading" your words, it's as if the feeling comes first, the translation and cognition second. Your encouragement is so deeply appreciated today! xo
I had my first one last year. They said it was a vasovagal response. Low blood pressure. Also happened in a Mexican restaurant while eating guacamole and some queso fundido. So terrifying. Wtaf.
Beautiful words, Kimberly. Your yearning for anchors to ground you during tumultuous times is very relatable and also a good reminder to not suffer alone.
Knowing what you’ve felt, whether it be the fainting or the other too terrifying to write scenario of becoming a life time carer and the guilt of unguarded thoughts, I understand both - the cripplingly, agonizing worry so real.
I wish, way beyond these words, that I could hold on to you, and you I, for reassurance, a calming of the fear, an earth to ground out the shocking.
I’ve read this with tears falling, not unusual when I’m here but this... Kimberly never ever forget you are uncontrollably brilliant and strong. X🤍X
Your wish - delivered on the delicate wings of your words. I feel wrapped by those wings, then feed the beating heart between them with deep gratitude and understanding, and now she's flying back to you.
You write so beautifully, of breathtakingly familiar -and some less so- experiences, finding anchors within and around when "fear floods." Both your strength and vulnerability inspire; and bowing to our bodies alerting us that we need change, or rest, or connection.💜
Oh gosh, Kimberly, reading all this made me feel for you so deeply. I'm saddened radiant you and your lovely family had to go through that. I just pray for your safety and strength. Nathan is right, as is Eric. You're absolutely strong! Thank you for your gorgeous, touching writing. You create such vivid images with your words and instill profound empathy of anyone who reads your work.
Mercy, you stop my whole heart with this.... On the one hand, as a mother of an adult child with intellectual disabilities, I find myself in this unending problem-solver mode over how to keep her safe in terms, how to make a place that enables her to be fullest, richest self, with real connection and community... long after we are unable to be there for her. The long-term safety net factor is worrisome.
At the same time, I read about your black outs and relate so much, in that my experience has been similar with my seizures. I do think it's interesting--that we see start to see strong vasovagal symptoms in women entering perimenopause and wonder about that intersection. It's so much to solve.... Thinking about you and how more rest can enter the equation.
We share some strange, twisted walks Alisa. The Python crew might call them Silly Walks, and they can feel like that in hindsight, but mercy is the right the word. When ambulating these paths, they feel like cliff walks.
I didn't know peri-menopause can spike vasovagal responses. Going out now to buy myself a helmet.
Indeed. Apparently, there are those smart collar-helmets that inflate when they sense you are about to fall??? I've always thought that might be a look ;)
So, a hot flash is a vasovagal symptom. My own seizures didn't start until I was in peri and there's this thing called Catamenial epilepsy linked to hormone levels... which leaves you to wonder if it isn't all connected in some interdependent, very bespoke way for each woman... (Clearly, we need more study at the Ministry of Silly Walks.)
These posts of yours stop me in my tracks. I'm just taking a break from work to catch up on a few reads, and now I'm just sitting here, silent, thinking.
I feel for you. I would hug you if I could. Everything you write is so raw. But even without knowing you beyond your words on the page, I know that what Eric says is true: you're strong.
I fainted for the first time in my life in November. I had been standing for about an hour at my daughter's bedside in the Trauma ER, and the doctor said some disconcerting words about my daughter's unborn baby's heartbeat. I started panicking inside, and then WHAM! I hope that was a once in a lifetime experience. I'm sure the vasovagal events are a nuisance. Hang in there!
So you know this well! I find it fascinating that our brains have a threshold—if information becomes too overwhelming, it protects by shutting down. Scary indeed, but I also bow to the wisdom of a body that knows when to say when. Thank you for reading! I hope you’re inspired to circle back to the beginning of the memoir for more context. 🙏💛
Sometimes I've just gotta sit with these for a while...
Oh, Kimberly. You are so strong, no doubt about that, but maybe that is what your body is trying to tell you...to stop being so strong and fall apart. Surrender. Let it all go so you can put yourself together again with the truth woven into your life, body, and heart. When the vibration of our life changes, the original structure that we used before cannot hold. We must tend to ourselves in a way that recalibrates our inner vibration as well. Finding out the kind of earth shattering news you received about your life/family/father is exactly the kind of monumental shift that would require an entire tear down of inner and outer worlds. We've trained ourselves to be utterly terrified of falling apart and yes, many people do not have the luxury to fall apart at the exact moment they need but that debt always gets paid one way or another. We resist, we fight, we run. I've often fantasized about opening a bed and breakfast where people could feel safe falling apart. A place where they wouldn't even have to worry about eating or hydrating. They could stay, get cozy, and completely come apart until they were able to put themselves back together again the way they needed. A lot of us fall apart in sections. Even that is a privilege because sometimes our bodies don't allow us to call those shots.
It has been incredible to witness your story here and once again I am seething with anticipation. YAY SUNDAY!!!
Sending you the biggest bear hug and please ask Dave to give it to you from me, in person :)
Angel of wisdom and truth.... is that what Jenovia means? It must. You just perfectly diagnosed the cellular unraveling that had to happen in my body, but only in hindsight could I understand the necessity. I saw an unending line of doctors, therapists, even psychics when my nervous system crashed, and I'll tell you, not ONE, told me it was ok to unravel. And not just ok, but exactly the medicine my body/mind/soul needed. Now, eight years later I can confidently say that in finally surrendering to the chaos, I discovered unshakeable stillness—an irony I embody in my cells daily and am so grateful to know this truth. But you and that gorgeous mind/heart/soul of yours, to get this through reading my story and offering it up in the most perfectly crafted paragraph I might've ever read... I mean, you stun. If I had a gazillion dollars I'd be Venmo'ing funds to you right now to start that bed and breakfast TODAY. The world needs you, your mastery, your deeply feeling and knowing incarnation. By the way, have you ever read Pema Chodrin's When Things Fall Apart? It's a beauty, like you. (Though you could've written it.:) xoxoxoxo
I adore you! ❤️ Thank you for those beautiful compliments. I’m so happy you’re in the unshakable stillness part of your journey. I’ve never heard of Pema Chodrin. I googled her, she looks like she gives great hugs. 😍 Adding that book to my TBR list!
We have pondered about offering a similar sort of liminal space. We call it a halfway house. How good would it be to allow for surrender and know there is time, space and energy.....
What a perfect name for this space!
I always find my body wanting to reach out to your body whenever I read these. Like it wants to offer one of the small areas of it's nervous system that is settled (thanks, Birds). I had a friend who I used to lay on top of. We never understood why, but we knew it helped.
I think you just identified a new form of medicine. I've heard of bee acupuncture, so perhaps when a songbird lands on a certain body part, her tiny, whispering feet calm the branching nerves under them. Imagine a body full of birds! (And now I hear our Oregon Maple laugh and say, "I don't have to.") ;)
Seriously, though! I remember a little Great Tit landing on my inner arm once, mid-Summer last year, and her little feet were so lovely and cold and she was chirping and my nervous system just zoomed into the most peaceful of states. I feel my jaw loosening as I recall it. A body full of birds...what a thought 💜
I want this experience for ev.er.y.one.
One day, when we are king 👑
Oh, Kimberly. I find myself wanting to transfer calm and safety into you. Our bodies can be vessels. And yours is a heart brimming with empathy.
I’m unendingly grateful you’ve put your story into beautiful words and that I have found them.
Bowing to your kindness Holly. xo
Seems to me you are suffering from ultra deep empathy....can it be you feel along so intensely your body mimics the experience of the other? Combined with a strong imagination it is a great recipe for inner turmoil in many miraculous forms....I think this is the same reason why your writing is so good. You get across what you feel yourself so deeply.... I learn so much with each of your posts....love, Bertus
Thank you Bertus, your reflection is so moving. I feel you empathizing with my empathy. :) It goes without saying, but it takes one to know one. I experience that strong imagination (and inner turmoil) in your writing as well—even though I'm "reading" your words, it's as if the feeling comes first, the translation and cognition second. Your encouragement is so deeply appreciated today! xo
Oh my God.
I’m so sorry about that fainting episode.
I had my first one last year. They said it was a vasovagal response. Low blood pressure. Also happened in a Mexican restaurant while eating guacamole and some queso fundido. So terrifying. Wtaf.
Yet another weird parallel in our stories... blackouts while eating Mexican!? That's an especially weird one. And yes, so very terrifying.
Beautiful words, Kimberly. Your yearning for anchors to ground you during tumultuous times is very relatable and also a good reminder to not suffer alone.
Thank you for continuing to be such a thoughtful, encouraging reader Michael!
Knowing what you’ve felt, whether it be the fainting or the other too terrifying to write scenario of becoming a life time carer and the guilt of unguarded thoughts, I understand both - the cripplingly, agonizing worry so real.
I wish, way beyond these words, that I could hold on to you, and you I, for reassurance, a calming of the fear, an earth to ground out the shocking.
I’ve read this with tears falling, not unusual when I’m here but this... Kimberly never ever forget you are uncontrollably brilliant and strong. X🤍X
Your wish - delivered on the delicate wings of your words. I feel wrapped by those wings, then feed the beating heart between them with deep gratitude and understanding, and now she's flying back to you.
You write so beautifully, of breathtakingly familiar -and some less so- experiences, finding anchors within and around when "fear floods." Both your strength and vulnerability inspire; and bowing to our bodies alerting us that we need change, or rest, or connection.💜
Oh gosh, Kimberly, reading all this made me feel for you so deeply. I'm saddened radiant you and your lovely family had to go through that. I just pray for your safety and strength. Nathan is right, as is Eric. You're absolutely strong! Thank you for your gorgeous, touching writing. You create such vivid images with your words and instill profound empathy of anyone who reads your work.
Thank you dear Nadia. (p.s. your package is out for delivery today!) I forgot to email you the tracking number so I'll send it now.)
Thank you so much for such lovely, incredible gifts :'). You're a pearl. <3
Mercy, you stop my whole heart with this.... On the one hand, as a mother of an adult child with intellectual disabilities, I find myself in this unending problem-solver mode over how to keep her safe in terms, how to make a place that enables her to be fullest, richest self, with real connection and community... long after we are unable to be there for her. The long-term safety net factor is worrisome.
At the same time, I read about your black outs and relate so much, in that my experience has been similar with my seizures. I do think it's interesting--that we see start to see strong vasovagal symptoms in women entering perimenopause and wonder about that intersection. It's so much to solve.... Thinking about you and how more rest can enter the equation.
We share some strange, twisted walks Alisa. The Python crew might call them Silly Walks, and they can feel like that in hindsight, but mercy is the right the word. When ambulating these paths, they feel like cliff walks.
I didn't know peri-menopause can spike vasovagal responses. Going out now to buy myself a helmet.
Indeed. Apparently, there are those smart collar-helmets that inflate when they sense you are about to fall??? I've always thought that might be a look ;)
So, a hot flash is a vasovagal symptom. My own seizures didn't start until I was in peri and there's this thing called Catamenial epilepsy linked to hormone levels... which leaves you to wonder if it isn't all connected in some interdependent, very bespoke way for each woman... (Clearly, we need more study at the Ministry of Silly Walks.)
Inside my brain, I hear Hector Salamanca ringing his chair bell incessantly. YES YES YES YES YES YES. It's all connected.
These posts of yours stop me in my tracks. I'm just taking a break from work to catch up on a few reads, and now I'm just sitting here, silent, thinking.
I feel for you. I would hug you if I could. Everything you write is so raw. But even without knowing you beyond your words on the page, I know that what Eric says is true: you're strong.
You stop me in my tracks with your warmth and kindness. :)
I fainted for the first time in my life in November. I had been standing for about an hour at my daughter's bedside in the Trauma ER, and the doctor said some disconcerting words about my daughter's unborn baby's heartbeat. I started panicking inside, and then WHAM! I hope that was a once in a lifetime experience. I'm sure the vasovagal events are a nuisance. Hang in there!
So you know this well! I find it fascinating that our brains have a threshold—if information becomes too overwhelming, it protects by shutting down. Scary indeed, but I also bow to the wisdom of a body that knows when to say when. Thank you for reading! I hope you’re inspired to circle back to the beginning of the memoir for more context. 🙏💛
I will!
Scary! Pushing on, I gotta know more... 🩷
Such a crazy and frightening ride your body has taken you on. I can’t imagine how that must feel.