Especially love “I am a tall willow tree who thinks she’s an air plant — roots thirsty for the ground as they dangle six feet above.” And I too received a message to “return home” during my young adult European wanderings. After climbing to the top of the volcano on the island of Stomboli, I saw the bubbling lava and knew I needed to return home—as things were heating up there, like a volcano ready to blow!
Beautiful writing, as always. This is a wonderful peek into what sounds like formative years abroad!
It’s also oddly reassuring to hear about physical manifestations of grief in others, although I’m so sorry for your experience. When my heart began racing in recent months, and I ruled out other causes, I was surprised to learn that unresolved grief can show up in our bodies in myriad ways.
Thank you Maddie. And no, you’re so not alone! I recently posted a grief/chronic illness question to an unfixed community over on IG and I was stunned by the responses. So many bodies bruised by grief’s battering. ❤️
Oh my, Kimberly there's a lot going on in this chapter. I think maybe the underlying theme is your trying to find your purpose And I think intensified by your grief. I'm guessing you still struggle some with grief from your Dads passing but sharing your story just might be the release you need?
Then in that process you get slapped down by illness! So glad you got through that.
I'm still trying to figure my purpose. Is it possible that it's not supposed to be revealed to us?
But the fairy... Everyone knows you catch a fairy by tying a piece of cheese to the end of a string and hide in the shrubs till one comes along. 😊
I now like to think of “purpose” only with a lowercase “p.” So much less pressure. My daily purpose can shift from caretaking the land, offering love, filling out tax forms.:) I am exponentially more satisfied with little purposes than believing and trying to achieve the big P.
Today’s new purpose: go to the store to buy some cheese so those darn fairies can come find me.
Aww, thank you for saying so. I struggled sharing this chapter, originally multiple chapters. But an editor friend recommended I condense it and keep the memoir on theme with the underlying grief, anxiety and searching. It indeed was a wild adventure, as much into my own psyche as it was into the outer world. And so hard to return home then with a body that went off the rails. But now, knowing so much more about the nervous system, it was inevitable. With your early trauma, I have found myself wondering how your body fared with it all.
I so appreciate your encouragement. We're heading into some hard years/chapters for me to share with the world—vulnerable, embarrassing, lost. But decades later, carrying so much more compassion for myself and feeling the embrace of the kind and generously loving Substack circle, it's less scary now and more healing.
Sep 10, 2023·edited Sep 10, 2023Liked by Kimberly Warner
If ever you want to expand on those years, I'm all for it!! I personally would love to hear more about them. Even if experiences are not directly on theme, they no doubt impact the overall outcome.
Oh that wonderful nervous system. All things considering, my body fared relatively well. I was born into an abusive household so my little body never had a break. Top it off with the grand finale, the cherry atomic bomb of my parents' death, my almost death, and then having to grow up as an orphan, I am surprised that I didn't have more physical ailments.
I did develop a histamine intolerance in my 20's which is considered an allergic disorder. I do think it is directly attached to the trauma that I experienced as a child.
My body has a very hard time clearing out the histamines that accumulate from allergies and can make me look like a human marshmallow. I will probably have to take Claritin D for the rest of my life. I don't always take it every day but every couple of days or once a week. This intolerance is also related to my body's inability to make the enzyme that processes alcohol.
I cannot drink alcohol at all. If I have even a sip, it is like I have the worst flu imaginable, my joints ache and it lasts for 2 days. It wasn't always this way but gradually grew worse as I grew older. I stopped drinking alcohol 5 years ago and I do not miss it at all.
Basically, my body is very sensitive to what I put in it. It can get immediately inflamed from processed foods and the difference is visible.
I noticed 10 years ago that when I drink matcha green tea every day my allergies/histamine intolerance/inflammation is so much better. I also started taking quercetin. The problem is annoying more than anything else.
Kimberly, your vulnerability is what makes your writing so damn good. We have all done things that we are embarrassed about, we have all been lost, and those universal themes in your writing coupled with your wordsmith magic is what inspires and changes lives. Sprinkle grief on top of all of that and WHEW!!!! We have got ourselves a wild, beautiful ride that I look forward to going on every Sunday.
Grief bends us into such strange, ghastly shapes, to the point we become unrecognizable, the world becomes unrecognizable. It leads us down some precarious roads. I'm so glad you have more compassion for your journey now. You deserve that.
I am so proud of you for expressing yourself in this way. The world needs your story. I need your story. Thank you.
I am so glad little Jenovia and her body managed to somewhat protect itself from life's cruelty. Chalk it up to strong genes, a fiercely loving ancestor/angel, or a wisdom beyond your years that knew how to differentiate from it all?
That histamine response is one that's becoming more understood and discussed in the medical and chronic illness communities. I've heard the term MCAS (mast cell activation syndrome) tossed around and often in connection to unresolved or unmanaged fight/flight/freeze states—fertile ground for inflammation. I would imagine that little Jenovia had to learn to be vigilant in her environment in order to survive, always on the lookout for the next threat? Makes sense to me that years later that might manifest as an overall sensitivity. If only I could wave a magic wand and wrap all the little bodies on this planet up in love and protection so they don't have to work so hard to exist. Once upon a time, when humans were more connected to nature, I think that embrace and release happened gently and often.
Man, I appreciate you. I really really do. You have a remarkable ability to articulate the nuances of grief and the journey born from it. You inspire vulnerability and help me feel strong as I stand in it.
Yes to all of the above, especially this: "Once upon a time, when humans were more connected to nature, I think that embrace and release happened gently and often."
I appreciate you! You do the same for me, Kimberly. Doing this work and writing about it requires support, encouragement. Community! So glad our paths crossed in this lovely corner of the internet.
Thank you for your kind, encouraging words Renée. It is quite something to share this journey publicly... and I had no clue my writing would receive such a warm, engaged reception!
Oh my. You’ve had some adventures, friend! Love reading about your twists and turns.
While I never had an overactive thyroid (actually, the opposite) I know how impossible existing in the “wired and tired” state is. Though it is often frustrating, confusing, and difficult to navigate, I’m in awe of the body’s ability to find a way to survive.
I feel taken on a journey...one that feels so familiar. In my focus on all the other aspects of life, outside myself, I forget that my condition is ‘chronic’ or even a condition. It just feels like life...my life...and there is a comfort in recognising the life in another 💖🙏🏼
The less these experience define us, the more free we are to adapt and listen to the truthful whispering below the noise of medical terminology and labels. So happy to hear your reflection here and feel recognition in your words. 💛
Loved this Kimberly! I can only pray that when it's time for me to share my story that the words come out half as elegant and relatable. You still amaze me sweet friend. Love ya!
What a treat to find you here! Brian, I will always cherish working with you over the past four years. I have no doubt that when you’re ready to write it all down, it will be as powerful and eloquent as your sharing into a little camera.:) Thank you for following along as I put a messy canvas of my guts out there.
Oh Findhorn... juxtaposed with manifestations of unresolved grief... another powerful write. The route to healing you have taken is a brave on. Of course for me (as you might guess) it's the only authentic one.
And so interesting to be taken on this journey through Europe from an American perspective.
Especially love “I am a tall willow tree who thinks she’s an air plant — roots thirsty for the ground as they dangle six feet above.” And I too received a message to “return home” during my young adult European wanderings. After climbing to the top of the volcano on the island of Stomboli, I saw the bubbling lava and knew I needed to return home—as things were heating up there, like a volcano ready to blow!
A sign from the bowels of the earth!
Beautiful writing, as always. This is a wonderful peek into what sounds like formative years abroad!
It’s also oddly reassuring to hear about physical manifestations of grief in others, although I’m so sorry for your experience. When my heart began racing in recent months, and I ruled out other causes, I was surprised to learn that unresolved grief can show up in our bodies in myriad ways.
Thank you Maddie. And no, you’re so not alone! I recently posted a grief/chronic illness question to an unfixed community over on IG and I was stunned by the responses. So many bodies bruised by grief’s battering. ❤️
Oh my, Kimberly there's a lot going on in this chapter. I think maybe the underlying theme is your trying to find your purpose And I think intensified by your grief. I'm guessing you still struggle some with grief from your Dads passing but sharing your story just might be the release you need?
Then in that process you get slapped down by illness! So glad you got through that.
I'm still trying to figure my purpose. Is it possible that it's not supposed to be revealed to us?
But the fairy... Everyone knows you catch a fairy by tying a piece of cheese to the end of a string and hide in the shrubs till one comes along. 😊
Rex
I now like to think of “purpose” only with a lowercase “p.” So much less pressure. My daily purpose can shift from caretaking the land, offering love, filling out tax forms.:) I am exponentially more satisfied with little purposes than believing and trying to achieve the big P.
Today’s new purpose: go to the store to buy some cheese so those darn fairies can come find me.
Lol don't forget the string! Geez you're never going to catch a fairy...
Absolutely agree though on the little p. I've decided to ride my raft down the lazy river of life wherever it takes me. Much better on the health! 🤔
I look forward to Sundays because of these posts, Kimberly! I’m on the edge of the cliff wanting more and more.
What a beautiful adventure in Europe. I’m sure you could write a whole memoir on that experience alone.
Seething with anticipation for your next installment 😍
Aww, thank you for saying so. I struggled sharing this chapter, originally multiple chapters. But an editor friend recommended I condense it and keep the memoir on theme with the underlying grief, anxiety and searching. It indeed was a wild adventure, as much into my own psyche as it was into the outer world. And so hard to return home then with a body that went off the rails. But now, knowing so much more about the nervous system, it was inevitable. With your early trauma, I have found myself wondering how your body fared with it all.
I so appreciate your encouragement. We're heading into some hard years/chapters for me to share with the world—vulnerable, embarrassing, lost. But decades later, carrying so much more compassion for myself and feeling the embrace of the kind and generously loving Substack circle, it's less scary now and more healing.
If ever you want to expand on those years, I'm all for it!! I personally would love to hear more about them. Even if experiences are not directly on theme, they no doubt impact the overall outcome.
Oh that wonderful nervous system. All things considering, my body fared relatively well. I was born into an abusive household so my little body never had a break. Top it off with the grand finale, the cherry atomic bomb of my parents' death, my almost death, and then having to grow up as an orphan, I am surprised that I didn't have more physical ailments.
I did develop a histamine intolerance in my 20's which is considered an allergic disorder. I do think it is directly attached to the trauma that I experienced as a child.
My body has a very hard time clearing out the histamines that accumulate from allergies and can make me look like a human marshmallow. I will probably have to take Claritin D for the rest of my life. I don't always take it every day but every couple of days or once a week. This intolerance is also related to my body's inability to make the enzyme that processes alcohol.
I cannot drink alcohol at all. If I have even a sip, it is like I have the worst flu imaginable, my joints ache and it lasts for 2 days. It wasn't always this way but gradually grew worse as I grew older. I stopped drinking alcohol 5 years ago and I do not miss it at all.
Basically, my body is very sensitive to what I put in it. It can get immediately inflamed from processed foods and the difference is visible.
I noticed 10 years ago that when I drink matcha green tea every day my allergies/histamine intolerance/inflammation is so much better. I also started taking quercetin. The problem is annoying more than anything else.
Kimberly, your vulnerability is what makes your writing so damn good. We have all done things that we are embarrassed about, we have all been lost, and those universal themes in your writing coupled with your wordsmith magic is what inspires and changes lives. Sprinkle grief on top of all of that and WHEW!!!! We have got ourselves a wild, beautiful ride that I look forward to going on every Sunday.
Grief bends us into such strange, ghastly shapes, to the point we become unrecognizable, the world becomes unrecognizable. It leads us down some precarious roads. I'm so glad you have more compassion for your journey now. You deserve that.
I am so proud of you for expressing yourself in this way. The world needs your story. I need your story. Thank you.
I am so glad little Jenovia and her body managed to somewhat protect itself from life's cruelty. Chalk it up to strong genes, a fiercely loving ancestor/angel, or a wisdom beyond your years that knew how to differentiate from it all?
That histamine response is one that's becoming more understood and discussed in the medical and chronic illness communities. I've heard the term MCAS (mast cell activation syndrome) tossed around and often in connection to unresolved or unmanaged fight/flight/freeze states—fertile ground for inflammation. I would imagine that little Jenovia had to learn to be vigilant in her environment in order to survive, always on the lookout for the next threat? Makes sense to me that years later that might manifest as an overall sensitivity. If only I could wave a magic wand and wrap all the little bodies on this planet up in love and protection so they don't have to work so hard to exist. Once upon a time, when humans were more connected to nature, I think that embrace and release happened gently and often.
Man, I appreciate you. I really really do. You have a remarkable ability to articulate the nuances of grief and the journey born from it. You inspire vulnerability and help me feel strong as I stand in it.
Yes to all of the above, especially this: "Once upon a time, when humans were more connected to nature, I think that embrace and release happened gently and often."
I appreciate you! You do the same for me, Kimberly. Doing this work and writing about it requires support, encouragement. Community! So glad our paths crossed in this lovely corner of the internet.
Kimberly,
Wow! Words fail me. Beautiful writing. Poignant inquiry. Your journey shared a gift to whomever reads you.
Thank you for your kind, encouraging words Renée. It is quite something to share this journey publicly... and I had no clue my writing would receive such a warm, engaged reception!
Oh my. You’ve had some adventures, friend! Love reading about your twists and turns.
While I never had an overactive thyroid (actually, the opposite) I know how impossible existing in the “wired and tired” state is. Though it is often frustrating, confusing, and difficult to navigate, I’m in awe of the body’s ability to find a way to survive.
Can’t wait for more of your story. ❤️
Oh yes, I know wired and tired all too well. I envy those bodies that sleep when they need to sleep. :)
“I am a tall willow tree who thinks she’s an air plant — roots thirsty for the ground as they dangle six feet above.” Mmmm. Beautiful.
Thank you Holly. xo
I feel taken on a journey...one that feels so familiar. In my focus on all the other aspects of life, outside myself, I forget that my condition is ‘chronic’ or even a condition. It just feels like life...my life...and there is a comfort in recognising the life in another 💖🙏🏼
The less these experience define us, the more free we are to adapt and listen to the truthful whispering below the noise of medical terminology and labels. So happy to hear your reflection here and feel recognition in your words. 💛
Loved this Kimberly! I can only pray that when it's time for me to share my story that the words come out half as elegant and relatable. You still amaze me sweet friend. Love ya!
What a treat to find you here! Brian, I will always cherish working with you over the past four years. I have no doubt that when you’re ready to write it all down, it will be as powerful and eloquent as your sharing into a little camera.:) Thank you for following along as I put a messy canvas of my guts out there.
Oh Findhorn... juxtaposed with manifestations of unresolved grief... another powerful write. The route to healing you have taken is a brave on. Of course for me (as you might guess) it's the only authentic one.
And so interesting to be taken on this journey through Europe from an American perspective.